Harry Potter and the quest for love
by UBERLOT
Summary: Harry does some terrible things in this story. Try not to cry as Harry seeks love, in all the right places, with all the wrong things. A REAL GUT BUSTER HAR HAR HAR


Harry Potter, the uncircumcised son of James Potter, had a quandary. Quandary is smart talk for a problem, but this story is about Harry Potter and Harry doesn't know what smart talk is. So anyway Harry had quite the problem indeed. You see, Harry Potter was in love. Not the kind of love when you go over to her house in the third grade play spin the bottle with her and her friends, rig the bottle to land on her, then break her Nintendo. This was the kind of love when you get her drunk, have a hot night of passion sell naked pictures of her on the Internet and never return her calls. Our young hero was in love with not just one, but two females. The two fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) were Herminoey, who enjoyed playing Unreal Tournament and listening to hardcore rap, and Ginny who enjoyed long walks on the beach and large MALE SEXUAL ORGANS (I really don't want to say penis). They were both very beautiful, but as you can already tell Harry must chose one of them. He tried to make a chart sort of thing to see which one had more to offer but all he ended up with was this:  
Herminoey- knows stuff. Gots boobs.

Ginny- likes Godsmack. Gots boobs.

And as you, the reader, can already tell, this is not enough to decide which person he wants to sleep with and then never return her calls again.  
He had tried to make them fight to the death but Ginny was pregnant or something, Harry was to drunk on love to hear the real reason she couldn't fight, so lets just say she was pregnant. Besides who listens to Ginny when she talks. And for that matter what kind of a name is Ginny? I think it stands for something but that's not important. Back to Harry's peculiar dilemma about soda water and what not. ( I mean love, his dilemma is about love… and soda water)

Harry eventually turned to his one and only pal Ron. Since Ron was on vacation in Puerto Rico, Harry beat a first year student unconscious tied him up, put a Ron mask on him and made him pretend to be Ron. "Mate how am I going to choose between Herminoey or Ginny, mate?", Harry asked the very confused first grader Joe.

"I think you should pick Ginny mate, that seems like the best thing to do. Also once you pick Ginny, kill Herminoey to further cement your relationship with Ginny"

"Sounds fantastic" said Harry. "Thanks mate, you always help me. I…I love you!" Harry giggled as he ran away.

"Hey wait I am still tied up" screamed first year Joe. But this didn't matter to Harry because he was under a powerful spell. The spell of Love. And whiskey.

So, Harry got all the necessary equipment to put his plan to work. But right in the middle of it he realized that Ron wasn't very good at advice giving. "He was probably drunk or jealous or dead so he gave me bad advice" thought Harry. Harry just had to ask someone else what to do and the smartest person he could think of was God, but praying in Satan school is punished by a swift beating and 10 minutes alone with professor Flitwick. (I mean Hogwarts not Satan school. Shut up.) So instead Harry asked the second smartest person he knew, Herminoey. "Herminoey please help me should I go out with Herminoey or Ginny?" Harry asked Herminoey.

"Well", said Herminoey. "Personally I think you should choose Herminoey because her breasts are MUCH bigger then Ginny and I hear Ginny has a eating disorder and murders children and savagely eats their lungs." Herminoey said.

"Thanks", said Harry "You always give the best advice ever!", he added. Then he ran to the Gryffindor common room to make sense of Herminoey's advice. He ignored Lavender and that other chick engaging in lesbian activities on the couch and ran to his bed to see if he could try to find out what Herminoey really meant.(Herminoey liked to hide the real meaning of what she said by saying other stuff. For example when Herminoey says "Stop staring at my boobs" she really means "Poor gravy on me and start an orgy") Harry thought for a long long time until he realized at once what he must do. "Herminoey was probably very hi.", Harry thought. "And Ron was probably very very drunk" Harry also thought. "I don't think either of their advice will really help me.", He thought to himself. "Wait!", he screamed at the top of his lungs for no reason. "Maybe I could use both of their advice as one giant advice" Harry said aloud as people tried really hard to ignore his terrible grammar. "Lets see" he thought. "Ron said to pick Ginny and kill Herminoey, and Herminoey said to pick Herminoey and kill Ginny". Well she didn't really say that but I could tell that's what she really wanted because I am the great Harry Potter and I can tell what other people want. So he decided he would have them both and kill the other one to make the other one really like him. Yes, it was confusing but Harry Potter knew exactly what he must do, and it involved a slip-n-slide.

Harry walked into the common room where Ginny was reading a book called "Magical Spells to improve your Breast size". Harry calmly walked towards her with his knife in hand. Before she could even say anything he made two swift cuts on her stomach causing her internal organs to fall out and stain the carpet with blood. She tried to put them back in but they wouldn't go. Harry then strangled her with her own intestines to finish off the job as quickly as possible. "There!" Harry said. "Now Herminoey will like me very much! Now all I must do is kill Herminoey so Ginny will like me even more. Boy this plan is spectacular I have a huge erection its so spectacular!". Harry found Herminoey in the library as. She was, as usual, trying to seduce Snape into performing sexual acts on her (A MINOR!) Harry walked up to her and screamed, " YOUR ZUCHINI IS ROTTING" and stabbed her again and again and hung her lifeless body on a tree. (The whomping willow to be exact) "OH BOY", Harry said. "Now Ginny will like me double because I killed Herminoey" He stood there admiring his work for 10 seconds when the cold truth hit him. "OH FUDGE BEANS" he screamed. "My dress does not match my shirt I will have to change!" he said. Another ten seconds later the other cold truth hit him.

"How can Ginny like me if she's dead!". "Well at least Herminoey will like me because I killed Ginny!" he thought to himself. 10 seconds later the sad truth hit him like a drug addict beats a ho who doesn't pay up. (Little gangster references for all you hip enough to catch that). "OH BUTTER SCOTCH! I killed her too!" "So now both my lovers are dead" said Harry. Harry must ask Dumbledore for advice. "Yah Dumbledore always makes me feel better about things, like that time I ejaculated onto Ron's pie and he ate it" So he ran to Dumbledore's office as fast as he could. When he got there he found himself telling Dumbledore exactly what happened, even the unimportant detail of him jacking off 17 times the day before. When he was finally finished spilling his guts (just like he made Ginny do) he sat back and waited for Dumbledore to give him some sage advice to make him feel better. To his immediate disapproval Dumbledore threw Harry in the dungeon where he now currently resides. He's not as lonely as you might think, however, for Professor Flitwick comes twice a week and does unspeakable things to him.

THE END

PS: Once Ron found out about this and learned that he was partly responsible he became an excessive drinker…of Gatorade. He is now more pumped up then ever for Quiditch and has a bizarre love for Korean porn.

PSS: Malfoy went to the funeral of Herminoey and laughed during the entire thing. He received loads of hate mail for it

PSSS: Santa Clause wasn't in this story, but if he was he'd ride a magical pony into the sunset and play PlayStation a lot.

PSSSS: Ron stole Harry's Gamecube once he finally realized his good friend really was never coming back. He is having trouble beating Lord of the Rings.

PSSSSS: Spider Man's spaceship crashed into Saturn raining poison gas down on Jupiter's core causing several Kryptons's to die. The intergalactic council of justice will be meeting this Sunday to discuss how to deal with Spiderman's reckless behavior.

Comings soon: Harry Potter and the Lord of the Dance!

(My next big hit, although other short stories will come in-between that to quench your thirst!)

Coming probably around Winter.

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This is a subliminal message: eat dirst 


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